this is what i got from my inbox, sent to me by a female NTO reader today...
thinking about all my post referring to Nigerian women made me decide to write a one to men about your responsibilities to us.
Now, there is a common mindset among y’all (men of course). You believe that being male is the only qualification you need, so even if you are; an insensitive bore, less educated, earn less, less experienced, inactive in your religious life, you still believe you are a great catch. I am not shallow enough to think that these are the only things that define a person; they are simply a few common and salient definers. It’s baffling that you think you deserve the great women you’re with. A friend of mine once said “I wish Nigerian boys will take a look at themselves, they will realize that they are just not all that and calm down” (Paraphrased). I laughed so much but there is some truth in it. It’s amazing how lazy many of you men are. You pass on the responsibility of making the relationship work to the woman.
Emotionally: I cannot count how many times I’ve been told by older Nigerian women that men never mature and I should stop waiting for that. Nigerian men are so protected and coddled by their mothers and society. Your emotional needs are always catered to that you completely forget about ours. You quickly point out the ways you are emasculated, do you think of the ways you mock the femininity of the woman you are with. You understand your emotional requirements but are quick to laugh with derision when women express their desires.
Financially: Do you just talk about being the man of the house or do you put your money where your mouth is? Yes, it’s 2012 and most women work, however, if you want to claim boss man then you need to pay the bills. Or better yet, do you have a modern relationship with regards to financial responsibly, yet expect a traditional approach to decision making? Do you consciously or unconsciously expect a woman to share certain responsibilities but you don’t want to change diapers. Don’t shake your head at me, a number of men still feel this way and would act on it if the women in their lives allow it
Protectiveness: It’s so common for women to think they have to protect you from encroaching women. I won’t even attempt to address that mindset, anyone who has been cheated on knows it’s not you or what you do or don’t do. A real man will walk away from a relationship that can’t be fixed; not cheat. As a man are you protecting your wife (or girlfriend) from her in-laws, your mother, other women, people, positions and emotions that might hurt her? Do you think she must deal with everything you and your family dish out? Or do you realize that she is worthy of your support in life.
Are you protecting her from yourself? As women we are raised to know men don’t like nagging, don’t hit your man, don’t swear at him and so on. Women break these rules, but most people are aware of. Do men realize that women have a right to be protected from your churlish moods, anger and cutting words?
Sexually: Many of you are so sexually selfish. It’s all about you, you, and you. You never take the time to learn what pleases the woman you are with. Unfortunately, too many women let you get away with it. You move from woman to woman using the same tired moves that made the last woman fake orgasms. Or better still you come up with a list of one sided rules, like, no oral sex from you, but you want it from her. Seriously, wake up and smell the coffee.
Spiritually: You quote the Bible, Koran or any other religious book when it suits you. Are you living by the principles, are you ensuring that you fulfill your God given role in her life before demanding for hers? Are you fulfilling your part of the charge you were given by those books? Are you cherishing, honoring her with your body, sharing your worldly goods or just expecting her to be an obedient wife. And even if you haven’t taken the vows of marriage, these vows are still a clear example of how we should conduct relationships.
Final note to you men: I know many of you suffer from a false sense of entitlement and discontentment. And yes you are right; they will always be someone prettier, sexier, smarter, sweeter, funnier, more adventurous and more religious, than your current girlfriend or maybe even wife. There is always the chance that there is someone out there who you’ll connect better with. True, your mother is a paragon of everything a Psalm 31 woman should be, yet I can assure you she wasn’t that when your father married her. Newsflash: You are not who we envision when we dream about our ideal man, but, we are willing and happy to work with you but you’ve got to give us something.
To the women: These are just a few examples, this is certainly not an exhaustive list. Ultimately, a man who has a good woman AND recognizes her worth will do these things and more. But ladies, desperation is never cute. If you have a man who doesn’t call or text, make time for you and ultimately make you a priority …he isn’t worth fighting for.
In summation, men, get off your high horse and do some work to get and keep a woman.
Adios !!!
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